Perhaps one of the worst subway offenders, they attack when you least expect it. They are Subway Sleepers. Subway Sleepers are becoming an increasing hazard to other subway riders, yet nothing is being done to stop them. They doze off and think, “To hell with it! I’ll let my drool drip out of my mouth and I’ll rest my head on the person next to me and I don’t care because I have no shame.” I truly believe these are the worst kinds of people because I really hate people touching me on the subway, which I know is ironic because it’s inevitable, but I have come up with a way to fend off these Subway Sleepers with The Elbow, and I’ve decided to share my secret. Here’s how the elbow works. As soon as you notice the subway rider next to you start to doze off you need to be on alert and assume the position. The position involves bending both arms inward so that your two fists are almost touching and your elbows are out forming a “T.” As you see the rider’s head start to tilt, immediately move one elbow out ever-so-slightly so that it gently nudges your neighbor. At this point most riders will mumble something like “sorry” and go back to sleep, so you may wind up repeating this process a few times. However, if a gentle nudge doesn’t do the trick, keep hitting harder until your neighbor gets the message. Please keep in mind an important step in this process, which is to appear busy. While you are nudging your sleepy neighbor, keep your head buried in a book, or keep your own eyes closed so that you can avoid the nasty look that he or she may be giving you. Also, this sometimes makes it appear that you actually didn’t nudge your neighbor and he or she dreamed the whole thing up. Try The Elbow on your next subway ride and be amazed at the results. Say goodbye to smelly, sweaty old men drooling all over you and gain a new sense of confidence knowing that you don’t have to be a victim any longer.

Song of the moment: “4 Minutes” by Madonna and JT because it’s awesome. I hear this song everywhere so it’s always stuck in my head and when I’m at home and it comes on the radio I immediately stop what I’m doing do put on a full dance routine, to a crowd consisting of my two kittens, in front of my mirror.