On my commute home this evening after work, I stepped onto an R train and spotted a vacant seat, which was actually being partly occupied by a fat man (probably in his twenties) and his backpack. No big deal, right? I mean, his eyes were closed so he obviously didn't see how crowded the train was and how he obviously shouldn't be occupying two seats, right? Wrong.

"Excuse me," I said. Nothing. "Excuse me," I tried again, a bit louder. Nothing. I tried again, this time tapping his shoulder. He finally looked up at me, disgusted at being disturbed, but he did reluctantly remove his bag. However, he did not move himself. In fact, he resumed the position of resting his head on the dirty window next to him and jutting his hip and fat leg further onto my seat. "Excuse me!" I said. "What?" was his brilliant reply, "I moved my bag," he continued, as if I should be applauding his effort. "Yes," I tried to explain, "but you're taking up half of my seat. Nothing. I couldn't believe this was happening. I wanted someone to make him move, I wanted to tell on him! But then I realized that there was no one to tell, and unless I wanted to use the mace (rush hour isn't really the place for that) I was going to have to just deal with the situation.

"Ok then," I said and took my book out of my bag and rested it on him as I read, while I stuck out my elbow and pressed it into his fleshy side. Still nothing. I rested my feet on top of his. Nothing. My guess is that he probably didn't even notice anything was going on because his awful music was so loud and his body so fat that it must have been immune to my gestures.

Luckily for me, a man sitting across from me got off the train shortly thereafter and offered me his seat. I thanked him and told him that it's good know that there are still some kind and considerate people out there. Once I was settled into my new seat my neighbor leaned over and said, "I would have hit him with the book." Darn, why didn't I think of that? Actually, I won't lie. I did think of that, but decided to let it go because I wasn't in the mood for a scene.

Driving with my brother. The first time I drove with my brother was actually only a few months ago when he was driving me and my boyfriend back to Queens after a trip to visit my fam on LI. It may have been the single most horrifying experience of my life. I thought driving with my father was scary, but it turns out that my brother is like my father driving x 5! I'm talking weaving in and out of traffic, just missing hitting the car in front or next to us by centimeters and braking hard. It's scary, and nauseating. I've been in the car with him a few more times since then, but I've been riding in the back with my eyes closed. Well, today I had the unfortunate experience of riding shotgun on our trip back to Queens from LI. I was on LI today with the fam watching my little sister graduate high school. BTW, when did high school girls get such big BOOBS??? And when did they start flaunting them all over the place in tight shirts and cut-out dresses? I don't think I started dressing slutty until I was in college. But I digress. Anyway, we picked up his friend on our trip and my brother began telling him about all my past driving accidents, like when I hit the motorcycle driver and he ended up on the hood of my car, or when I got into an accident in a parking lot (though I did later wind up going out with the guy whose car I hit, even though he still made me pay him!), etc. etc. But, that was years ago and I've become a better drive since then. Besides, he's the one who told me he's "this close" to getting his license taken away. And I could see why, as on the way my brother almost hit about 5 or 6 other cars, but the radio was blaring so loud that we couldn't hear other drivers screaming at us, or horns blaring so that we wouldn't know if we were about to get into an accident, but at least we would go out listening to Kanye. I saw my life flash before my eyes several times, and to prove this wasn't just me being dramatic, even my brother's friend was yelling at him from the back seat. Once we reached the exit for Queens Blvd. my brother's friend leaned over and said to me something like, "Lucky we made it back in one piece!" "KNOCK ON WOOD!!!" I yelled at him, as I frantically searched the car looking for wood and not finding any. "WE AREN'T THERE YET! Don't say anything else until we get there," I shouted. We did finally make it to my apartment and once outside of the car I was so happy I almost kissed the ground. The whole trip made me think, "maybe our public transportation system isn't so bad . . . " On second thought, yes, actually, it is.

It really pisses me off when a cab driver asks me for directions. I mean, HE IS THE CAB DRIVER! Isn't he supposed to know this stuff, or at least have a GPS system in place to help him out? I don't drive in the city, you do, so you should know the directions. If I'm in a cab it's most likely because I'm a drunk and why on earth would you ask a drunk girl for directions? You have one job to do: drive a cab. Do it right and don't ask questions! If there's one thing I really hate it's incompetent people.

Song of the moment: I guess the entire "Hairspray" soundtrack because I'm sorta watching that movie right now and the music playing in the background is prohibiting me from thinking of a good song at the moment.

There's nothing I love more early in the morning than a group of women who board the subway already in mid-conversation and then proceed with their conversation while standing shoulder-to-shoulder in the crowded subway car. Now, this wouldn't be a problem if they weren't SCREAMING at each other. One such incident happened to me yesterday morning on the subway (my first day back from vaca) when two large women hopped on the already-packed train and started shrieking, yes, shrieking at each other! This type of conversation is unnecessary because a. they were super close and didn't need to be shouting at each other to be heard, unless one of them was deaf, but I highly doubt it, and b. it's early in the morning and some of us are trying to nap or read.

Unfortunately, this type of situation happens all too often, and usually a group of kids/teenagers are the offenders. They are the worst because they have no shame and they will scream at each other about anything and everything, especially matters that are private like sex, STDs and drugs. And the cursing!! Now, I am far from an angel and have been known to throw around the occasional curse during conversation, but the number of curses and the vulgarity of them that fly out of these kids' mouths are disgusting! And this is NOT something I enjoy listening to on the subway, but I have yet to speak up and put an end to the insanity because these kids travel in packs and can kick my ass. Has anyone had the guts to risk their life and speak up against these screamers??

Song of the moment: None, because I'm too tired and can't think of one right now, but I'll have a new with the next post. Promise!

You were this close to getting elbowed or receiving a nasty look from me this morning. But, lucky for you, I decided to restrain myself because the situation wasn't as bad as others I've been in and I was feeling generous this morning. However, I did not appreciate your chubby arms rubbing against me a few times along our ride. There was simply no need for it. You had ample room to sit comfortably in your seat, especially since I didn't even take up all of my seat! Instead, you chose to sit with your elbows out and your legs spread apart so that your elbows brushed against me a few times, before I smushed myself all the way to the other side of the seat so as to avoid touching you, and your legs almost touched mine. I don't like it when strangers touch me and I doubt most other riders do either, so please take note and don't do it again.

Sincerely,
Subway Gal

Song of the moment: "Don't Stand so Close to Me" by the Police. No explanation needed.

The only thought on my mind since watching last night's episode of "Family Guy" has been Stewie's version of "Car" by Gary Numan that he sings to Brian. I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

"Brian had sex, with a really dumb girl, now he's taking his friend Stewie, to get some ice cream, in his car."

All you "Family Guy" fans out there know what I'm talking about and are probably laughing right now too. And if you aren't a "Family Guy" fan, then WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? It's a great show and I highly recommend you start watching. Oh, and if Seth MacFarlane is reading this, I AM WILLING AND AVAILABLE TO DO A GUEST VOICE ON YOUR SHOW. I sound just like Lois, without even trying! I could play her cousin or something like that. Think about it. Have your people call my people. I actually don't have people, so just call me directly. I'll leave you all now with another one of my favorite "Family Guy" rants.

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

One thing I hate most, especially on the early morning commute to work, is the obnoxious sound of an Emergency Exit being pushed open in a subway station. You know the sound, it's like a fire engine alarm blaring inside your ear. And the sound continues to blare even after the door is closed. Not pleasant. This morning, someone had to be obnoxious and open the door. This young man couldn't wait one freakin minute like the rest of us waiting patiently to pile out of the 23rd/Broadway station because he had to push through the line and out the Emergency Exit door. Now, I understand that sometimes this is necessary, like if you have a baby stroller, or a particularly large scratching post for your spoiled kitties, and need to go through the Emergency Exit because it won't fit through the turnstile. However, that was not the case with this man. He was simply impatient. And no one followed his lead! We all continued to wait out turn to get out of the station. I find it hard to believe that he was in so much of a hurry that he needed to get out of the subway station one minute faster than the rest of us. If that was the case he should have left his home earlier this morning.

Song of the moment: "Break the Ice" by Britney Spears. I know, I know, it's Britney Spears, but the song is catchy. Really. I'm not embarrassed to admit that I like it.

After a nice, hot, day at the beach on Long Island, my boyfriend and I were on the subway heading back to our apartment when I glance to the right and see a bum in the next car pull out a cigarette and light it up! In the moving subway! At first my boyfriend and I thought it may have been a joint, which would have been pretty funny and still sad, but it was definitely a cigarette. Then, thankfully, he decided to spare the air of his fellow rider and smoked the rest of his fag in between our subway cars. Could he have not waited until he got outside? Or perhaps he shouldn't have gotten on the subway until after he was done smoking. I mean how bad of an addiction must you have to need to smoke in between subway stops because the craving is so strong. Sad. Cigarettes suck.

Song of the moment: "Misery Business" by Paramore. I just saw a story on Perez about the lead singer (http://perezhilton.com/2008-06-08-so-lame) so now I can't get the song out of my head, but that's ok because the song is AWESOME! It's a "what goes around comes back around" story and that is my favorite kind, because I'm spiteful ;) This is another one that I lip sync in front of my mirror pretending that I have musical talent.

If, knock on wood, I were ever to find myself homeless, I would turn to my family, or friends, or some type of shelter. However, I understand that not everyone has these options and I'm not really hating on the homeless, but WHY must they use the subway cars to sleep and take up 2-3 seats when doing so?! During RUSH HOUR!!! Subway cars are crowded enough in the mornings or in the evenings and it really pisses me off when I see a homeless person sleeping on 2-3 seats. No one is going to tap him/her on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me sir, but I would like sit here." And this is because no one wants to sit on those seats after they have seen a homeless person sprawled out across them. Don't we have some type of MTA security or NYPD who can patrol the cars and prevent this from happening? Think of the poor old people who need a seat, or the pregnant people, or the young women in stilettos. They all need to sit more than that homeless person needs a nap. And don't get all on me for being a hater because you know you are thinking the same thing!


Song of the moment: "What I've Done" by Linkin Park because my boyfriend watches Transformers about 15x/week and this song plays at the end of the movie and it is always stuck in my head! The song is pretty good, but the problem is that I only know two lines of the song - "I'll face myself/To cross out all I've become." But that's ok because by the time I've reached the end of that second line, my mind starts to drift to Josh Duhamel's face and that's always nice because Josh is hot and I've known him before "Las Vegas" and "Transformers" fame. I knew him when he was Leo Dupree, Greenlee's husband, on "All My Children." We go way back.

ATTN All Subway Riders walking through the subway station with your head down in a book or with your eyes closed while singing out loud to whatever is playing on your ipod. YOU SUCK!

Do you have any idea how many people I have had to plow down just to make it from one end of the platform to the next? It's ridiculous. When walking through a subway station, be alert and focus! The stations are crowded and if you are in my way I WILL knock you down.

Thank you :)

Song of the moment: "No Air" by Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks. Yes, this song is not exactly new but it is fantastic and really catchy! Whenever it comes on the radio I like to lip synch and pretend that it's me singing along with Chris Brown. Problem is I'm not a teenager anymore and I can't sing to save my life. Oh well, a girl can dream.

Tomorrow is a very special day . . . it's my birthday!!! Thank you, thank you.

In celebration of my birthday I am going to give you all a special treat. Another mace story! Enjoy.

Back in the day (about two years ago) before I met my boyfriend, Thursday and Friday nights were my favorite happy hour nights. They were my time to really shine! So, after one particularly fun (I think I had fun) night at the bar with my friends (don't ask me which ones because I can't remember), I was intoxicated and riding the subway on my way home when I spotted what appeared to be a suspicious man. So, doing what any rational drunk would do, I whipped out my mace and held it in my hand pointed at this man. Now, this man seemed unfazed, but the poor girl sitting next to him looked at me in alarm and crouched in her seat. So, to reassure her, I snapped something like, "Don't worry, this isn't about you. This is because the guy next to you keeps giving me weird looks!" Shortly thereafter I fell asleep. Now, at this point, if I was another passenger witnessing this scene, I would have grabbed my mace, my purse and ran. Thankfully, not everyone is as mean as me. I woke up at the subway's last stop in Jamaica still pointing my mace at no one. I left the subway mumbling something nonsensical and throwing nasty looks in everyone's direction who even glanced my way. It was getting pretty late and I was still drunk, so I went outside in search of a cab, but to no avail. I eventually got back on the subway and, miraculously, made my way safely home. This story is one of the reasons my boyfriend doesn't let me ride the subway home alone after drinking.