Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Two for the Price of One

Will someone please tell me whyyyyyyyy it is that riders who take up two, or even one-and-a-half seats on a subway get to pay the same price for a metrocard as the rest of us who only take up one seat, like we're supposed to?!

I find that this disservice happens in one of two ways. The first is when a really fat rider or a rider with a huge ass thinks it's ok to shove their way into the tiny middle seat between you and the man who's been muttering to himself in some language you can't quite make out the entire ride. You throw a few nasty glances in his or her direction but are forced to squish your body against the window anyway so that you don't have to touch his or her fat that keeps threatening to rub up against you. Ugh. The thought of it makes me shudder because I, unfortunately, have been the victim of this terrible crime more than once.

The second instance of riders getting away with paying for one seat but utilizing two, happens when a man is sitting comfortably with his legs spread out and his head resting back. You would rather stay away from him anyway because he smells like way too much Old Spice, but the seat between him and the overweight kid is the only one left and you really need to sit since you forgot to change out of your stilettos before leaving the office. So you take the seat thinking Rico Suave will close his legs just a little, but he doesn't. You are trying to push over to the other side as much as possible, but you are trying to avoid having to rub up against chubby. For some reason Rico Suave thinks that having a dick gives him a right to take up extra space and give dick room to breathe. Well I say, unless he has paid extra for dick to have his own seat on the subway then he needs to close his legs! You don't see me sitting spread eagle in a dress.

This is an injustice for those of us who were blessed with good bodies, or work hard to keep them thin and trim and only take up one seat. We should not be penalized because some riders refuse to see that they just might be overweight and need to take action (though how they take up more than one seat on a subway and think there isn't a problem amazes me) or because some riders are rude and think that their dicks need extra room to breathe. We must stop this injustice to the regular-sized riders! We should either have to pay less than overweight riders, or they should have to pay more. Let's start a rally and have our voices be heard! So, who wants to organize?

Song of the moment: Nickelback's "Rockstar." It's playing in the background and I love it! I also apparently love exclamation marks because I've definitely overused them in this post.


Anonymous said...

it figures you would write something like this!!! It is typical although amusing, outrageous, I think it might be in the blood.

Anonymous said...

im so happy to have a new favorite read!! this is hilarious - reminds me of that day that man bumped into you and then yelled at you when crossing over 23rd. i want to go on the subway with you one day and see what happens...